Some of David`s Stories
Jipperty
Jipperty went Wast the toon to visit a cronie who was nae weel. His freend was near the end, and his guid wife sitting by the bed.
‘Mind and get that ten pounds that man`s due us’ he mutters.
‘Dae ye hear hoo braw and sensible he is?’ says the wife.
Then after a few meenits -
‘Mind and gie that man the five pounds we`re due him, he mumbles’.
‘Dae ye hear hoo he`s ravelin?’ says the wife!
Wullie the humphy-back
Wullie the humphy-back, deed in his sleep. So they laid him oot in his best Charlie Jarvis suit, and the undertaker fitted a spring ablow his heid to make up the space far the humph was in the box.
Marky went along to pay his respects at the hoose, and was saying to the widow wife what a grand freend he`d been, and hoo sorry he wis tae hear o` his passin.
Just wi that, een o` Kennedy`s coal lorries went by and the dirlin garred the spring to shak and the deed man`s heid to nod.
Marky got sic a fleg, he turned to escape, but one o` the handles on the box snagged the pocket o` his jaikit. Thinkin that the deed man had grabbed him—Marky shouts—’Let go! Let go! Ye humphy-backed bugger, I`m gled ye`re deed, I never liked ye onywaye!’
The Brechin boys
Ae Tuesday nicht in March `36, I c`d see the licht o` a fire across the basin, roond aboot Auld Montrose. So I got oot the bike and went roond by Maryton tae see whit was happenin. The barns were weel awa, an` the fermhoose was ready tae go.
Een o` the firemen wis hauddin his hose tae the flames, so I says tae him ‘Whaur are you frae?’
‘I be from Pakistan!’ says he.
‘Weel, weel’ says I, ‘Ye havna put`n aff! The Brechin boys are nae here yet!’
When this was happenin, the fermer wis awa in Spain on his holidays, and when he got back, the grieve met him at the station and in the cairt on the way back to the ferm, the fermer asked for a report.
‘Weel’, says the grieve, ‘there’s good news and bad news’.
‘Tell me the bad news first then’, says the fermer.
‘O.K.’ says the grieve. ‘We had a fire at the start o` the month and the barns are a` awa. We saved maist o` the hoose, but we lost a` the beests, twa cairts and the tractor!’
‘Good God’ says the fermer. ‘Quick—gie me the good news’.
‘Weel maister’ replies the grieve, ‘yer daffies are at least twa weeks early!’
Flookie and Borackie
Flookie and Borackie went oot to shoot a line for haddock and the line had been set ower by Borackies wife (I.e. set out in the skull). Flookie was shooting the line and at one point, a great lump of tangled hooks flew ower the ‘funnel’ he was wearing on his left wrist.
‘Fit was that?’ intoned Borackie.
‘Just a puckle hooks!’ says Flookie.
‘A puckle hooks!’ says Borackie, ‘it took awa the sicht o` the Norland!’
(The ‘Norland’ was the horizon above St Cyrus, where the tower of Johnston stands, and was a common navigational aid. As David became more family than neighbour, he would admiringly refer to Betty’s spreading behind as ‘takin awa` the sicht o` the Norland’.)
This sojer had a awfu stammer, and ae nicht he got a pass to gae into the toon tae the picters. When he was leavin the barracks, he thocht he`d better hae a word wi the guard.
‘S.s.s.see when I come b.b.b.back frae the p.p.p.picters, and you say ‘Halt! Who g.g.g.goes there?’ Jist h.h.h.hing on a m.m.meenit, in case it`s me!’
At the regimental H.Q., the commanding officer was carrying out an inspection of the canteen. He had a little doggie wi him, and stopped at a sojer fa wis eatin his denner. ‘Well, young man’ says the C.O., ‘do you have any complaints?’
‘Aye’ says the sojer, ‘this stuff’s nae fit tae eat ava!’
‘Oh’ says the C.O., and taks a bit of meat aff the sojer`s plate, and gies it tae the dog,fa eats it up nae bather. ‘There now’ says the C.O. ‘there doesn`t seem to be much wrong with that!’
‘I dinna ken aboot that’ says the sojer, ‘Look at it noo—lickin its erse tae get the tist oot o` it`s moo!’
This mannie in America was convicted o` murder and was in the jile waiting the electric chair. Een o` the warders cried in to see him, so the mannie asked if the end cam quick, and if it was sair. ‘No, it`s nae sair’ says the warder. ‘Y`ll no feel a thing!’
The very next day, the mannie in the next cell was ta`en doon tae the chair and his screams were heard a` ower the prison. So the first mannie got a haud o` the warder again. ‘I thocht you said it was quick and nae sair’ says the mannie.
‘Weel’ says the warder, ‘he was jist a bit unlucky! We had a power cut in the middle o` the job and had tae feenish him aff wi` a blowlamp!’